How everyone suddenly seems to understand innuendoes

I am probably in the minority here, but I am sure that there are more people like me who are keeping their heads down and laughing along with the joke that they do not get -- yep, you guessed it, we are the people who do not ‘get’ innuendoes.

Of course, I am not suggesting that a good old ‘your mum’ or ‘that’s what she said’ comment is lost on me, but the constant exchange of innuendoes between people at school and outside of school often goes way over my head. It has to be said that the worst incident involving me not getting a sexual reference was in an English lesson in Year 12, when we were learning about Hardy’s novel, ‘Tess of the D’Urbevilles’. Doing a presentation on Phase the Third, I remember clearly, I was standing at the front of the class reading out key quotes and then analysing them. The one which contained the sexual reference, and the comment after which got me the (thankfully short-lived) nickname of ‘innuendo Queen’ was one about Tess picking up a glove, hitting Alec with it and causing, 'a scarlet oozing to appear where the blow had alighted.' I then commented that, ‘this could be representing how Tess is finally repaying Alec for all of the blows that he caused her.’ There was a brief silence, and then an eruption of laughter across the class, which even the teacher joined in, as everyone thought I was making a joke about how Alec and Tess had, in fact, had sex. Most people in that class probably don’t remember the incident, but I still sometimes replay it in my mind, never failing to blush.

The question is, how on earth does get these references, and know what these words mean?! It seems that one day we were all laughing at knock-knock jokes, and the next laughing about the fact that, ‘oh they got to fifth base’. What on earth is ‘fifth base’? Why would I ever know that, having had no need to express it in my life before this exact moment?

My only explanation for all of this is that everyone was provided with a letter on their fourteenth birthday of innuendoes and words that they should know, now that they have become a proper teenager. Like my letter of acceptance to Hogwarts, mine was clearly lost in the post. So I thought that for all of you whose letters were also mysteriously missing, I would make a list of words that you should be aware of incase they come up in conversation, and you have the awkwardness of attempting to get one of your friends to explain exactly what a ‘rim job’ is to you (never ask someone this unless you both want to die of embarrassment.)
(Note: this list is solely made up of searches I have made in urbandictionary.com):

• DSL
• bukake
• rim job
• pearl necklace
• blem
• kino
• bunder
• poke ball
• queef
• grower vs shower
• fap
• 5th base
• orgasmic
• hooned
• peng
• shunter

So, for all of you who are as innocent as I am, read up! Or else you could end up in an awkward situation such as this:

(this may be a conversation that I had with someone on Facebook chat when we were talking about applying to university..)

• Person 1:

  • and i reckon you'll be offered a place [at university] anyway lol
• Me:

  • TOUCH WOOD
• Person 1:

  • ..with your as grades..

• • Me:

    • please tell me you have touched wood!
  • Person 1:

    • yes
    • but also btw
    • i read that
    • and forgot about the context
  • • • and was like
      • HOW INAPPROPRIATE
    • Me

      • wait why is that inappropriate?!
    • Person 1:

      • lol - wood
    • • touching of

        • its grim
      • Me:

        • ngl i have absolutely no idea what youre talking about!
      • Person 1:

        • omfg
      • • i could spell it out but i wont

          • :P
        • Me:

          • come on you have to now!
        • Person 1:

          • its so awf!
        • Me:

          • cmon!
        • • Person 1:

            • ffs
          • Me:

            • :(
          • Person 1:

            • wood = erect penis
          • Me:

            • OH!
            • hahahaha
          • • Person 1:

              • are you touching wood
            • Me:

              • OH I GET IT
            • Person 1:

              • sweet jesus camilla
            • Me:

              • OH wow that would be inappropriate
              • --------------------------------------------

WHAT I LEARNT FROM THIS EXPERIENCE: if you do not get a reference like this, NEVER EVER ask the person to explain it to you.