Lovehearts BY CONNIE

BY CONNIE (my first ever guest entry - awesomeawesomeawesome)

Sooo... I’ve just opened a packet of LoveHearts (a small one, ‘cos I’m cheap and can’t be bothered to buy a large tube) because I haven't had one in a while and want to experience the awesomeness of reading them with all of you.

The first heart reads ‘WILD THING’. Would someone please explain to me why this is acceptable? I thought that LoveHearts were cute sweets that you could give to a loved one/friend/admirer/stalker/yourself as a little joke - however, this does not seem to be the case anymore. When I give a friend a LoveHeart I do not want them presuming anything about our relationship when they read it. 'WILD THING' is simply too out-there! For me, when I open up a packet to find ‘WILD THING’ written over my pink LoveHeart, the first thing that comes into my head is ‘Wild thing...you’re such a ... wild thing’ (It’s a song..- I think, anyway), this is not something I want to see. I wanted something cute that I could smile at for a second, before continuing on with my day.However, I decide to not lose all faith in humanity (and LoveHearts) just yet and look at the next heart, hoping for something a little more cute, and a little more mainstream.

‘CHEEKY BOY’. Could this get any worse? Since when were LoveHearts sexualised? I feel violated by a circular pink sweet. I am not a boy and I definitely don't want a LoveHeart telling me that I am 'cheeky'. Anyway, I move swiftly over this one and look hopefully at the third one – third time lucky...

‘EVER YOURS’. Ok so this is getting better. This is more like what I expected from my LoveHearts experience, although if a friend gave this to me I would worry that they would get the wrong idea. You'd have to accompany it with the message, 'I SWEAR I DON'T THINK THAT YOU OWN ME' and that would open up a whole new, unnecessarily awkward conversation.

The fourth one is the same: ‘EVER YOURS’. I think someone is trying to hammer home a point - the LoveHearts are getting a bit desperate for my liking. But, meh, I guess it’s better than two ‘CHEEKY BOY’ sweets in a row.

The fifth sweet is upside down.I turn it over tentatively – I love how I’ve managed to make this into a fun game for myself – ahhh procrastination at its best! ‘BE HAPPY’. Wow. I’m actually so pleased. This is how I remember the old LoveHearts, telling me things to cheer up my day. I will be happy, LoveHeart sweet, I will be happy because you told me to be so.

The next sweet is also upside down....’CRAZY’. Cool. Now the LoveHearts seem to have taken on a fortune teller persona. ‘You vill be happy, my child....however, I zee a verd [word] which sums you up...crazee. Zat iz you, my child.’ Why thank you my German/Russian fortune teller LoveHeart...pretty much summed me up in one word. Fab. – I shall move onto the seventh and last sweet in the packet (told you it was a small packet!)

‘HI LOVE’. How polite. Although this clearly does not have a particularly deep meaning my faith has somewhat been restored in LoveHearts. But I’d still like it explained why in a packet of 7 sweets, the messages are so random...and some of them are just plain weird, as well as the fact that there was a pathetic amount of variation.

The moral of this is: just eat the sweets, don’t bother thinking too much about the messages (unless, of course, you want to procrastinate, then lots of things that would usually be weird become acceptable).




THANK YOU CONNIE
Link to Connie's tumblr incase you've fallen in love with her (and just because her tumblr's abnormally good): http://that-kid-billy-loves-you.tumblr.com/

Why the Metro continues to be published

DISCLAIMER: I love the Metro, and I hope that it continues to be published forever.

Ok well I can only think of a few reasons as to why you wouldn't have encountered The Metro before:
1. You've never been to London
2. Your parents love you and drive you EVERYWHERE
3. You're too classy for it and prefer the 'proper' newspapers
4. You think you're classy and so read the London Evening Standard but really we all know that it is just a pretence and you are as bad as us Metro readers
5. You don't speak English
6. You get no pleasure from reading a terrible, terrible newspaper (LOL JK no one like this exists)

So, if you haven't read the Metro, then pick your excuse, because if you are not included in any of these six categories, then you should be ashamed of yourself. This is because you are fundamentally decreasing your chance of happiness in life, as the Metro provides hilarity every single day of the week. However, I am going to assume that at least ONE person hasn't read/heard of the Metro, so I better quickly explain what it is. It's a free newspaper that is provided at every tube station in London every morning, and because it is free, it is an absolute joke.

Throughout my many (too many) years taking the District line to school every single morning, the Metro has ALWAYS provided me with good memories. From when it reported Obama winning the general election a day late, to its constantly random news on page 3 (unlike The Sun it often includes a picture of a random animal?). Although, it must be said, that it has also caused me some problems - in 2011 I walked into school thinking I was up-to-date newswise and then it was like BAM, Metro missed the Japanese earthquake (first world problems). I also am constantly telling people the Metro weather report that is almost always wrong, as well as regurgitating facts about world events that appear to have just been made up.

However, after years of defending the Metro to almost everyone I know (due to some unknown loyalty that I felt) I've realised that it really is a shocking newspaper. I mean, in reality I only like it because it is such a joke. AND SO, here are a list of factors that make this newspaper the WORST newspaper of all time: (although almost all of these reasons also make it the best newspaper of all time)

1. So many news articles aren't really news:

Why yes, yes they are reporting from a report from NOW magazine. This isn't NEWS.

So this was about a dog that can supposedly type. To be honest, this is really kind of cool and it is understandable that you'd want to publish this. But really, PAGE 3?! How can this be the next most important thing to the front page?!

In all seriousness, this was honestly about an unnamed business man who was able to spend £200,000 on a night out, and yet didn't appear to be drunk to other clubbers. Seriously. I looked for symbolic meaning. There was none.

Again, page 3 for you folks. The first page was on the weather, too.

I can't lie I love this story. Also to be fair I was looking quite far back into the newspaper before I found this. But really, THIS IS NOT NEWS. After reading the photo (which looks like an extract - but don't worry, it is the entire article) you feel like you've lost about ten years of your life. What are you talking about, most 25 year old single girls would thinking nothing of jumping into a cab and going for a raucous night out?! JUST WHAT?! This doesn't have any consequences in the world at all! I don't have any more to say.

2. Oh God the puns

To be honest the categories for this are terrible because each photo could fit into basically every category. Not only is the pun laughably bad (not in a good way) but this also should not count as a news story. Again, WTF goes on on page 3?

Who thinks of these?!

I feel so conflicted because I love a good pun, but then again I wanted to feel intellectual, reading on my way to school. But really I know that my IQ is dropping.

Oh Hayden Smith you absolute joker!

 4. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT?

In all seriousness they did not need to quote that some random person called Harry hot twice. It didn't need to be done, because it is not true.

Just why? Is this a joke? PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE

First I thought this was sarcastic and sneaky, and was like 'woo Metro go you' but in reality they are criticising themselves because they were the ones who reported that there would be a drought.

5. They have eye-catching headlines (that often do not relate to the story):

Apparently exclamation marks catch someone's attention!!!!!!!

You can always trust the Metro to liven up a depressing, serious story with a bit of a rhyme in the title.

WHY would you choose this photo?! WHY?!

IN CONCLUSION, I don't really know. I love it, but it makes me lose faith in society at the same time. Then again, it's always good to have a sense of humour. but, having said that, it's not always good to have a sense of humour when reporting serious news, I don't think.