Thursday 5 April 2012

who goes on habbo hotel

So making a post last time about omegle was really fun, and I decided to do it again with another mysterious website: habbo.com.

Many people (surprisingly) haven't heard of habbo hotel. Again, it is a chat room for strangers, on which you create a habbo (a little cartoon person) and go around this virtual hotel talking to people and buying 'furni' (furniture for your room) which you pay actual money for (£1 buys you 10 credits - a sofa will cost you about 3 credits, just to give you an idea).

Quite disturbingly I was introduced to it when I was about 8 years old due to my older brother (who was only 11 at the time - no idea how he found out about it) who went on it to chat to his friends. Although I remember it as merely being a fun game where you could make a cartoon person and walk around saying things like 'you smell' to unsuspecting people, after going on it recently I have realised that this is not the purpose that it is most commonly used for.

Tragically enough, my first ever (and most beloved) habbo, 100SX (a name for which I was teased about because apparently it suggested that I had had sex 100 times - a really upsetting insult for an 8 yr old) was deactivated due to being cruelly hacked when I was 13, therefore, for the purposes of this blogpost I resurrected my third habbo (my second was one called Smiley6063, which got banned for some reason I can't really remember) called: millieXjrX, which was last signed in in late 2010.

To introduce you, this is what my innocent millieXjrX looked like when I began:

The first thing I am greeted by is a nice message from the staff saying:
Pretty damn nice. To get you acquainted with millieXjrX, this is my pathetic looking room (the reason it looks so bad is because I haven't paid money into my account and therefore cannot buy any furni, I just have shit starter gifts):
To begin my quest I went to the most populated room in the hotel: The Demi Lovato Star Lounge (because I happen to have signed in when Demi Lovato is chatting live with people who wait long enough.)
I was initially having issues because for some reason no one would talk to me. I fixed this by leaving after many a failed conversation and headed for the beach (more precisely a SINGLES beach - I knew people would talk to me there!!)

After being trapped behind some doors that wouldn't open for me for a few minutes, I realised a new thing about habbo: IT IS EXCLUSIVE. No one talks to you or even acknowledges you if you are not Habbo Club (Meaning that you've paid 25 credits, £2.50, to have special privileges for a month)
Also I don't know what was happening, but I was somehow accidentally spamming the room by sending out message after message, which I wasn't typing. 
Genuinely don't know what was happening there, so I decided to leave and headed for the classic habbo adoption centre. Habbo hotel always has lots of user-made adoption centres, where people dress up their habbos as babies and try and get adopted. Seriously.

^^ a classic piece of adoption dialogue. As is:
It is literally people pretending to be babies. The reason for it is usually so that they can be adopted by rich parents and eventually be donated furni to add to their collection. I have done it before (no joke, although to be fair I was very young at the time, judging by the fact that when I was trying to get adopted I tried to shorten every word down and once told a girl to 'f me' because I thought that 'f' could be short for 'follow'). Anyway, after realising how poor I was no one wanted to be my child (I couldn't even persuade someone to be my pet dog, tragically) and so I decided to mix it up a bit and go to a Bi, Les and Gay Bar. After being ignored by many people even at this event, I knew that I had to change the way I looked. From memory, this is what I remember as being attractive on habbo:


Ooooh yeah, who could resist? I then opted for a different tactic, which is instead of trying to talk to people and make friends that way, just add as many people as possible as friends and then continually message the ones who are stupid enough to accept you. This tactic also works in life.

Sure enough, within 2 minutes I had already made three friends, and been messaged this:
I messaged a few of these people, but the conversations didn't go very far as after admitting that I didn't want to have cyber-sex with them (who even knew that was a thing?) they stopped talking to me.
I then attended a kissing booth because I knew that my new look would go down a storm there, and sure enough it did. I immediately got approached (unfortunately this guy asked if I could help him look after his daughter and when I said only maybe he left me...): 
As cliched as it is, I then began to get lots of friend requests. I pointed out to a few people that how I looked on habbo wasn't how I looked in real life, but they couldn't seem to grasp the concept that this wasn't real life, so I left it at that. Of course the majority of the messages I was sent asked if I was 'dirty' or wanted to 'send pics' but I was pretty used to that having had the omegle experience. This was my personal favourite:


I thought I had struck gold when I found this person, but I don't really know what happened to them:

I abandoned this person after the strange response because I realised that someone had invited me to his room. Of course, being the journalist I am, I accepted the offer and went there.
He, obviously, immediately lay in his bed whilst I stood awkwardly standing for a while trying to get him to get up. He asked me what I wanted to do, I said to talk and this was the short conversation that followed:


(jtlyk he has written sex with spaces in-between because in order to prevent any sexual behaviour on habbo the moderators blur out any words like 'sex' or 'cum' or any swear words to the appropriate word of 'bobba'.)
You can see from my face that I am extremely concerned about the matter as, I swear to God, I did not realise I was getting myself into this (I know this sounds terrible of me now but I am incredibly oblivious to everything and 90% of the time I don't know what is going on). When I did realise I lolled for a while and then got up because I'm not really into that (as I told him, sadly to his disapproval) he attempted to do whatever it was he wanted to do (hilariously started with something like, '*takes off both our clothes*') at which point I was like WOAH WOAH WOAH because, as my friend put it later, I was almost cyber-raped!! (a thing that I did not know could happen to anyone!)

Surely enough, he told me to leave, so we had this conversation: (Joey is his pet dog)
The only response I got was that he thought I was, 'boring ugly and dumb' and that I made him miss his habbo exe. Devastating. I pretended to cry and he kicked me out of his room. Obviously I went back in to hassle him, got kicked out again, and eventually our relationship ended like this:
The ending of this post is much like the omegle one, except it appears that people on habbo are meaner. Also the situation that I naively managed to get myself into is a lot like a situation you can imagine a girl getting into in real life on one of those videos you watch in PSHE at school where the moral is TRUST NO ONE and NEVER GET INTO THIS SITUATION. So we can safely generalise and say that all the people on habbo are the kind of people that you are warned to stay away from in PSHE. 
And so my Friday night came to an end. I'm just kidding, it was a Saturday night.
In conclusion, if you're ever on habbo, please harass that guy for me. Thanks. :(

5 comments:

  1. your blog is so funny

    ReplyDelete
  2. and that wasn't sarcastic

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just found your blog, been reading for a good half an hour this is hilarious

    ReplyDelete